Florida GOP Police Blotter UPDATE: Federal prosecutor commits suicide

About three weeks ago, Blast Off! reported the story of Pensacola federal prosecutor John David R. Atchison, who was arrested and charged with traveling from Florida to Detroit to have sex with a 5-year-old girl.

Today comes news that Atchison hanged himself this morning in a federal prison in Michigan.

Atchison, 53, of Pensacola, Fla., was put on suicide watch after he used a bed sheet in an attempted suicide in September.

Detroit police confirmed Atchison’s suicide death at 10:14 a.m. Friday. They have not released any details.

[...]

Atchison’s attorney, James C. Thomas, released a statement Friday: “We are deeply saddened to learn the death of John Roy Atchison. Our heartfelt regrets go out to his wife and children, his parents and his brothers and sisters. This is a man who has done a lot of good in his life. Unfortunately, he is going to be judged by his most recent charges and what we have read in the media, and not by the goodness, hard work or by the love of his family. I expect to be filing a Suggestion of Death and will request the federal judge to dismiss the case once I receive the necessary documents.”

Atchison was charged with three felonies, the most serious of which is crossing state lines with intent to have sex with someone under 12. Conviction carries a minimum 30-year prison sentence and a maximum of life.

I guess he took the easy way out …

(h/t Eschaton commenter Roadmaster)

Today’s Daily Schadenfreude: Richard Roberts

Yes, I can hear you: “Who?”

Richard Roberts. Oral’s kid. President of Oral Roberts University.

Seems the younger Roberts has quite a checkered track record as president of his dad’s already-batshit-crazy-fundie university, as the New York Times revealed today.

Richard Roberts is accused of illegal involvement in a local political campaign and lavish spending at donors’ expense, including numerous home remodeling projects, use of the university jet for his daughter’s senior trip to the Bahamas, and a red Mercedes convertible and a Lexus SUV for his wife, Lindsay.

She is accused of dropping tens of thousands of dollars on clothes, awarding nonacademic scholarships to friends of her children and sending scores of text messages on university-issued cell phones to people described in the lawsuit as “underage males.”

[...]

The allegations are contained in a lawsuit filed Tuesday by three former professors. They sued ORU and Roberts, alleging they were wrongfully dismissed after reporting the school’s involvement in a local political race.

Richard Roberts, according to the suit, asked a professor in 2005 to use his students and university resources to aid a county commissioner’s bid for Tulsa mayor. Such involvement would violate state and federal law because of the university’s nonprofit status. Up to 50 students are alleged to have worked on the campaign.

The professors also said their dismissals came after they turned over to the board of regents a copy of a report documenting moral and ethical lapses on the part of Roberts and his family. The internal document was prepared by Stephanie Cantese, Richard Roberts’ sister-in-law, according to the lawsuit.

An ORU student repairing Cantese’s laptop discovered the document and later provided a copy to one of the professors.

It details dozens of alleged instances of misconduct. Among them:

– A longtime maintenance employee was fired so that an underage male friend of Mrs. Roberts could have his position.

– Mrs. Roberts — who is a member of the board of regents and is referred to as ORU’s “first lady” on the university’s Web site — frequently had cell-phone bills of more than $800 per month, with hundreds of text messages sent between 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. to “underage males who had been provided phones at university expense.”

– The university jet was used to take one daughter and several friends on a senior trip to Orlando, Fla., and the Bahamas. The $29,411 trip was billed to the ministry as an “evangelistic function of the president.”

– Mrs. Roberts spent more than $39,000 at one Chico’s clothing store alone in less than a year, and had other accounts in Texas and California. She also repeatedly said, “As long as I wear it once on TV, we can charge it off.” The document cites inconsistencies in clothing purchases and actual usage on TV.

– Mrs. Roberts was given a white Lexus SUV and a red Mercedes convertible by ministry donors.

– University and ministry employees are regularly summoned to the Roberts’ home to do the daughters’ homework.

– The university and ministry maintain a stable of horses for exclusive use by the Roberts’ children.

– The Roberts’ home has been remodeled 11 times in the past 14 years.

This isn’t exactly your run-of-the-mill corruption. I mean, this takes serious balls. The kind that apparently only fundie married couples have (see, e.g., Tampa’s own Randy and Paula White). I mean, how do you even begin to parse the corruption and hypocrisy on this one?

Truly, there may be nothing more schadenfreude-worthy than hypocritical fundies. They’re more fun even than hypocritical non-fundie Republicans — and that’s saying a lot — because their “faith” supposedly permeates all areas of their lives. And when they’re exposed, as here, as the lying, cheating, stealing scoundrels that they really are, well, it just makes my laughter that much louder and longer.

Perhaps a professor said it best:

Tim Brooker, one of the professors who sued, said he fears for the university’s survival if certain changes aren’t made.

“All over that campus, there are signs up that say, ‘And God said, build me a university, build it on my authority, and build it on the Holy Spirit,’ ” Brooker said. “Unfortunately, ownership has shifted.”

Look at the bright side, President Roberts. Now you can put up a sign commemorating this honor: Congratulations! Today’s Blast Off! Daily Schadenfreude is for you!

(h/t Holden Caulfield)

Steny Hoyer’s coming to town

The Florida Democratic Party, despite all the signs that point to the desirability of a more progressive position, refuses to budge from its “centrist” (read: stupid, DLC-influenced) perspective.

First, we have the bizarre instance of “moderate” (read: wolf in sheep’s clothing) Sen. Bill Nelson (D-Barely) suing the national Democratic Party over the primary date fiasco.

Then, just when I’ve finished trying to figure that little tactic out comes this e-mail a few minutes ago from Florida Democratic Party chairperson Karen Thurman:

Dear [Sinfonian],

I’m proud to announce that my old friend, Steny Hoyer, the Majority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, will deliver the keynote address at the Florida Democratic Party’s 2007 State Convention Victory ‘08 dinner.

The Convention opens in just three weeks so purchase your tickets to the dinner today!

Congressman Hoyer, the second highest-ranking Democrat in the House, has built a reputation as a skilled legislator and a strong consensus builder. In the past few months, he helped score major victories for the American people, including the first raise of the federal minimum wage in over a decade, a 50% cut to student loan rates to make college more affordable, and the toughest Congressional ethics regulations in history. His current priorities include fighting to bring new accountability to the war in Iraq and overturning the President’s veto of children’s health insurance.

Ugh. Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) (right) is one of the least progressive Democrats in Congress. He’s been bending over backwards (no, Larry Craig, not literally) to appease Republicans in the old “can’t we all just get along?” style, the style that demonstrably doesn’t work. Okay, I call it “appeasement” and Thurman calls it “consensus build[ing].” Either way, it’s a travesty.

Why, just today, Atrios taunted Hoyer for being forced to back down from announcing new FISA rules — you remember, the law that allows the Bush crime syndicate to eavesdrop on your conversations and all that — that didn’t include critical safeguards against overreaching surveillance. At a time when the Florida Democratic Party should be reaching out to progressives and embracing us for representing the majority of the party, as they did in June by bringing bloggers into the “inner sanctum,” they instead insult us by bringing Hoyer in, presumably to talk a good game … but he backs down every time to Republicans when push comes to shove. All talk, no action, that’s Steny.

I was considering changing my plans to attend the Party’s convention, since I’d originally planned to be out of the state that weekend. But, if Hoyer’s there, I assure you, I will not be there.

Rush looks forward; fat ass follows few minutes later

Okay, sure, that was a low blow … but some of the stuff Rush Limbaugh says in his “rare interview” with the Palm Beach Post’s Jose Lambiet in this morning’s paper borders on the absurd. Rush clearly has no concept of reality, as he “endures” probation while earning $2-3 million a month, according to his probation paperwork (PDF).

“All’s well that ends well,” he said, contemplating the Oct. 31 finish of his 18-month probation, barring unforeseen trouble. “But I tell myself sometimes: ‘I can’t believe I did this s—-.’ “

In a rare interview, Limbaugh – who just this week created a firestorm by calling antiwar service members “phony soldiers,” prompting Iowa Democrat Harkin’s comment from the floor of the U.S. Senate – says he isn’t bitter. Never mind that the justice system forced him to fill out monthly reports on his whereabouts, get tested and attend therapy.

“The system is what it is,” Limbaugh, 56, said from his oceanfront compound in Palm Beach. “I became addicted to drugs because of a medical condition” – a bad back – “and I’m convinced now that most addicts come to a point where they do drugs just to stave off withdrawal.

“The only thing I regret is that, because of legal and business reasons, I haven’t been able to tell my story. But I’ll ponder how I could start sharing because I’ve often wanted to.”

Well, see, Rush is really doing super! — thanks for asking.

But wait — there’s more:

“I have had no desire” for narcotics, he said. “But I plan on continuing therapy even after the probation. It’s been extremely important and valuable to me.”

Actually, according to his Florida Department of Corrections file, Limbaugh is feeling so secure he beat his demons that he has been drinking booze. He’s allowed to drink, but not in excess.

A corrections spokesman this week confirmed Limbaugh has been a good boy and that the drug tests his doctor has conducted have been negative.

Only half-jokingly, meanwhile, Limbaugh said he considered lying on the monthly reports he sent to WPB-based state probation officer Louis Kurtz.

Filling out the forms, Limbaugh said, was at times “surreal.”

The paperwork asks for the make and license plate of a probationer’s set of wheels. In Limbaugh’s case, it’s a 2007 Maybach 57, with an MSRP of $335,500.

Under “Your Total Money Earned Monthly,” Limbaugh wrote $2.1 million on a bad month and $3 million on a better one.

“I’d be filling out these forms and thinking: ‘I wonder what Louis is going to say?’ I’d be thinking about cheating a little and reducing the amount, but then you’ve got to be honest on the forms, otherwise they could claim it’s an irregularity.”

You know, for a guy who’s staked his career on lies and deceit, he’s certainly worried about the truth when it’s his fat ass in a sling.

But, really, being a right-wing nutjob gasbag is hard work! Just ask Rush!

“When the Senate majority leader denounces me, that could have an impact on my business,” Limbaugh said. “But I no longer care about other people’s opinions. I learned to handle criticism and take blows. When 30 percent of the country hates your guts, it takes a psychological toll.

“Frankly, I love myself a whole lot more.”

Rush, is that really you?

Could this possibly be the same guy whose radio words spark accusations of racism, sexism or any other “ism” in between?

“Don’t forget that the radio show is just a performance,” he said.

And then Limbaugh laughed when asked why his monthly probation reports don’t list anyone visiting his sprawling property. Isn’t it lonely at the mansion?

“I successfully cultivated the image of a recluse,” he said. “But I wished I were more alone. I’ve got 65 family members coming for Thanksgiving. I’m putting 20 here and the others at The Breakers. I’ve got the producers of 24 coming down.

“I’m really a middle-America person from Missouri. I try to live as normally as possible. But I’m sort of like Las Vegas: What happens here stays here!”

How could he be lonely with the producers of 24 and his faithful anal cyst to keep him company? Besides, if 30% of America hates him, then it follows that 70% love him, right? Who taught him math — Karl Rove?

My neighbor Limbaugh is a menace. And his narcissism knows no bounds.

Putting food on Muslims

Hope your ironymeter goes to 11.

The United States has a proud history of standing with Muslims and “mainstream citizens across the broader Middle East,” President Bush said Thursday during a dinner to mark the end of the daily fast during Ramadan.

[...]

Lt. Cmdr. Abuhena Saifulislam, the second Muslim chaplain commissioned in the Navy, gave the blessing for dinner, which included roasted kabocha squash soup, spiced rack of lamb and mamoul cookies. The guests dined in the White House’s State Dining Room.

“Let us celebrate the millions of Muslims that we are proud to call American citizens,” Bush told guests. “And let us honor the many Muslim nations that America is proud to call friends.”

Bush concluded, “Let us feed Muslims here tonight so we don’t have to fight them over there. Or something like that. Now, watch this caliph.”

Okay, maybe I made that last paragraph up …

I hope someone somewhere has a recording of Drunky McStagger trying to pronounce the menu.