And people ask me why I was glad to leave Brevard County

This is why:

I took that picture last night in Melbourne, Florida. Brevard County is a place that tolerates, nay, welcomes these batshit crazy right-wing fundamentalist assholes. Indeed, Hagee undoubtedly will be speaking to “his” people, the people who believe every last word of his deranged, xenophobic, jingoistic bullshit.

Who is John Hagee? Well, for starters, you might recognize his name from a post Atrios put up last week. Hagee has written a book called “In Defense of Israel,” and last Friday he was a guest of the odious Glenn Beck on CNN, where he said some truly bizarre and borderline insane things. For example:

BECK: OK. So what is the — what is the next sign? I mean, you know, I believe it’s getting warmer. Science tells us it’s getting warmer. I don`t believe man is causing it. I don’t believe that — maybe man is causing it. I’m not convinced of that. I definitely don’t think we can solve it.

But I mean, the earth is constantly cycling. We’ve seen forever that it gets colder and warmer and colder and warmer.

HAGEE: I’m certainly for clean air and clean water, but I have books in my library written by very responsible people up into the middle 80s were talking about the ice age, where Canada was supposed to be a block of ice right now.

And now we’re talking about global warming, and I think the Kyoto Treaty is really nothing more than something to manipulate the economy of the United States.

BECK: It’s global — it`s global socialism. Quickly, we’ve only got a minute. So give me the next one.

Ah, yes, the “very responsible people.” Not like us dirty fucking hippies, right? But wait — there’s more:

HAGEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the radical Islamic army is not coming to America. It’s here. With Iran’s nuclear power and Russia’s support of Iran, Iran intends to attack Israel and America.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BECK: We’re back with mega-church pastor John Hagee, author of a new book, “In Defense of Israel.” I want to talk to you about current-day politics and how it is all shaping up. Let’s start with Russia.

HAGEE: All right.

BECK: Russia is — unbeknownst to a lot of people that don’t look at old maps and new maps — Russia is actually mentioned in the Bible, and so is Iran.

HAGEE: Yes.

BECK: And they are the real linking for the End Days, right?

HAGEE: Yes, they are.

And, as Atrios noted:

BECK: Let me ask you one of the most — you were on, I don’t know, four or five days ago on the show for a quick segment, and you had mentioned that America’s not in the Bible in the End Days.

HAGEE: Yes.

BECK: It doesn’t play a significant role. E-mail went crazy on this. Why is America not in the Bible? Then it can’t be the End Times. How could we possibly not play a role in the End Days?

HAGEE: America’s not in the Bible, because of these things. One, we are a brand new country. When the Bible was written, God knew that we would be and only refers to us as the young lions of Sheba and Dedan. Now, we came out of England. England has the symbol of the lion. We also — we came from England. So, therefore, we, by stretch, could say that’s referring to us.

Go read the whole transcript if you must.

This Hagee guy is a complete lunatic. And he’s using the forum he’s been “blessed” with to advocate war with Islam in order to glorify and “protect” Israel.

Lest you have any doubt about whether Hagee is batshit crazy or not, read this:

BECK: End of the world as we know it in five years, 10 years, 20 years?

HAGEE: I don’t think we’ll get past 20 years.

BECK: Putin, is he part of the biblical prophecy?

HAGEE: I believe that he’s the man that’s going to cause Russia to unite the Islamic nations against Israel.

BECK: I think he’s done most of it already. Worst U.S. president in history?

HAGEE: Jimmy Carter.

BECK: I just want to shake your hand on that one. Most evil world leader aside from Ahmadinejad?

HAGEE: Oh, I’ll pass on that.

BECK: OK, divide Jerusalem if it would guarantee Middle East peace?

HAGEE: Absolutely not. I would not give Jerusalem — giving Jerusalem to the Palestinians would be like giving it to the Taliban.

BECK: Is there more evil today in the world than any other time in history?

HAGEE: I believe that Israel — that evil is more apparent today, and I think that it is more practiced in our society than ever. Yes.

BECK: What is the single most important rule in life to follow?

HAGEE: I believe that every person must come to a saving knowledge of the lord, Jesus Christ, because the Bible and the lord, Jesus Christ, are the foundations of faith.

BECK: What TV show would Jesus watch?

HAGEE: He probably wouldn’t.

BECK: Wrong answer. I mean, wrong answer.

HAGEE: GLENN BECK!

BECK: There you go, and you heard it.

And the folks in Brevard will just eat it up; talk about “preaching to the choir.” Thank Dog I’m out of there …

Where in America is free speech illegal?

Why, in the U.S. military, naturally.

From fellow Floridian Bryan at Why Now? comes this timely reminder:

If you are wondering why the generals don’t say anything until after they retire:

Article 88 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice

Any commissioned officer who uses contemptuous words against the President, the Vice President, Congress, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of a military department, the Secretary of Homeland Security, or the Governor or legislature of any State, Territory, Commonwealth, or possession in which he is on duty or present shall be punished as a court-martial may direct.

This is something that people have to keep in mind – you can’t bitch about the boss when you are an officer or you will be subject to a court martial. Remember, active duty officers, by military law, can only give you the good news, which makes their testimony rather worthless.

It’s definitely worth remembering this whenever the wingnuts throw their shit around the cage about how it’s only retired generals (who supposedly have an ax to grind) who criticize the Bush crime syndicate. That’s because it’s the law.

Don’t worry … if the fucking criminals have their way, free speech will be a thing of the past anyway …

Nice try, Chris Dodd, but no cigar

Chris Dodd, whose longshot bid for the presidency is in need of a boost, got just the opposite from Major League Baseball the other day:

Presidential candidate and U.S. Sen. Christopher Dodd says he’ll still be cheering on the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park, but without a randomly selected campaign donor by his side.

Major League Baseball officials warned the Connecticut Democrat this week that his plan to raffle two tickets to an American League Championship game — in return for donations to his presidential campaign — violates the organization’s rules.

Dodd, a longtime Red Sox fan, offered a chance at the tickets to anyone who donated $20.04 to his campaign, an amount selected because the Sox last won the World Series in 2004. Supporters could also enter by recruiting two dozen like-minded voters to sign up on Dodd’s campaign Web site.

But his office called off the raffle after MLB officials cried foul.

“This isn’t quite Bucky Dent or Aaron Boone, but we are disappointed nonetheless,” Dodd spokeswoman Colleen Flanagan said, referring to former New York Yankees sluggers whose home runs ended Red Sox playoff hopes.

The raffle winner would have received two tickets to Game 6 of the American League Championship series against the Cleveland Indians. If Game 6 is not necessary, the winner would have received tickets for Game 2 of the World Series instead.

There were two catches: The winner had to sit with Dodd at the game and, if the Red Sox were eliminated, the baseball tickets would be replaced with airfare to a Dodd campaign event in Iowa or New Hampshire.

To his credit, at least Dodd wasn’t asking donors to chip in $9.11 like a certain other candidate I know …

Blast Off! Radio today at 2:00 Eastern

It’s Monday again, which means it’s time for Blast Off! Radio …

Be a part of the show — listen and call in!!!! Tell your friends to listen to you and let’s talk about what’s on your mind.

Here’s the scoop:

TIME: 2:00 pm Eastern TODAY

Click here to listen

Call in number: (646) 716-7543

AIM: blastoffradio

E-mail: blastoffradio-at-gmail-dot-com

Catch you this afternoon!

UPDATE (3:13 pm 10/15/07): Great show today. Thanks to all the listeners and callers as well. I had a great time.

The archived show is linked to the left (or just click here), so you can listen at your convenience.

This IKEA thing is getting out of hand

Last Friday I told you about the opening this week of Florida’s first IKEA store, right here in America’s Glans™.

Can we have a little perspective here, people? This shit is ludicrous:

Off-duty police officers will be called in to direct traffic, and firefighter/paramedics will be at the ready in case of pandemonium and stampedes.

[...]

The Wednesday opening of the 293,000-square-foot store at the corner of State Road 84 and 136th Avenue is expected to attract up to 25,000 people, with many lining up beginning today. A Sunrise ordinance prohibits shoppers from pitching tents, but sleeping bags and chairs will be allowed.

“With that number of people, we want to make sure people are safe and that there are no major traffic accidents,” said Lt. Robert Voss, a spokesman for the Police Department. “It is almost like a cult following. People come from all over the country to shop.”

Voss said about 20 off-duty officers will direct traffic and provide security Wednesday through the weekend. In addition, four off-duty Florida Highway Patrol troopers will manually control stoplights along major roads near the store.

The troopers hope to keep traffic flowing at big intersections such as Northwest 136th Avenue and Interstate 595, where backups are common during the morning and evening commutes.

No road closures are planned, but traffic around the store will be heavier than normal, especially during rush hour, Voss said.

“People should be patient,” said Joseph Roth, Ikea’s spokesman. “Ikea store grand openings are very well attended and very busy at times.”

Goddamn. It’s a fucking furniture store. Yeah, I’m looking forward to shopping there, too (I need bookshelves, frankly), but are we really expecting scenes like this?

While some Ikea openings have been calm, others have been frenzied. In 2005, five people were hospitalized after a stampede at a store in north London. In 2004, three people were crushed to death and 17 injured in a stampede in Jidda, Saudi Arabia.

For that reason, four off-duty Sunrise firefighter/paramedics will be ready to handle any emergencies.

Beware of little old ladies with IEDs and missile launchers. Fuck.

Hey, like I said Friday, there’s an illegal war going on and the Bush crime syndicate is wiping their collective asses with the Constitution. But don’t worry — as Drunky McStagger might tell us, just go shopping!

The comedy writes itself

You may have missed this over the weekend — I did.

Sen. Larry Craig (R-3rd stall on the right) was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame on Saturday.

Craig, who wore a dark blue suit and light blue tie, talked animatedly with family at his table, including his mother and sister. His wife, Suzanne, sat at another table with their children and other family members.

During his acceptance speech, Craig thanked his wife, who he referred to as a “marvelous blond lady.”

Also during his speech before the 220-plus member audience, Craig acknowledged the intense news media scrutiny his nomination brought to the event.

“I hope in a very sincere way that the attention brought to me has not lessened the honor you are about to receive tonight,” Craig told his fellow Hall of Fame inductees at the $50-a-plate event.

I can only imagine the jokes that went on in the men’s room at the Boise Centre on The Grove, where Saturday’s ceremony took place.

However, I’ve been unable to confirm that the entertainment during the ceremony included a tap dancer.

BC Bowl: "If you like oral sex, vote for me"

Okay, I know, racy is doing her best to keep up in the Batshit Crazy Bowl as she tries to prove that Texas is crazier than Florida. Her last effort, about a Texan who killed his roommate after an argument over the decedent’s foot odor, is noble indeed, and she even included the medical term bromidrosis, which surely earns her extra points.

However, I’m sorely tempted to declare victory for America’s Wang™ after learning this morning of José Caragol (right), the Hialeah city councilman with an unusual campaign slogan.

At a recent meeting of the Miami Herald editorial board, commission seat challenger Mercy Dominguez raised a stink about a saucy couplet Caragol had recited on a La Kalle 98.3 FM morning radio show: “Si le gusta el sexo oral, vote por Caragol para consejal.” (“If you like oral sex, vote Caragol for council.”) According to Dominguez, it’s been a running gag ever since January, when he debuted the joke on Channel 41’s Seguro Que Yes.

There is a slight chance the joke might hurt Caragol’s little-old-lady numbers. “Last night I heard somebody call in to La Poderosa and say it was offensive,” says Dominguez. “A lot of people have become totally outraged. They’re asking me to run because of this.”

Oh, please, people — have a sense of humor. Embrace your batshit craziness … you’re from Florida, dammit!

You actually have to give Caragol some credit for creativity and for seeing the wisdom of staying, um, active in one’s dotage:

Caragol did not return phone calls seeking comment, so [this columnist, "Riptide"] decided to check in with him — where else? — at a funeral for a local businessman last Friday. The incumbent commissioner stood at the back of the Church of the Immaculate Conception in Hialeah, shaking hands with various guayabera-clad grievers. His heavy frame filled out a distinguished blue blazer; his silver hair was parted neatly to the side.

Outside, in the hot afternoon sun, his face lit up when Riptide broached the matter of sexo oral.

“Around here, election season is like hurricane season,” he said, doffing his blazer and wiping sweat from his brow. “It brings all kinds of tropical depressions.” Caragol would not respond to questions about his oral sex slogan; he refused to apologize for his personality, which, he said, is prone to joking. “We also came up with Forget the Cholestoral [sic], and Vote for Caragol.“

Caragol seemed to suggest it is his refusal to bow down to anyone that keeps him alive. “I will keep on being myself every time and every day,” he said with a chop of his hand. “I rest most in full action and full dynamism.”

Behind him, a costumed mariachi band gathered before the church and struck up a tune as grim pallbearers carried the casket toward a waiting hearse. “The other option is right behind me.”

Sorry, racy, but only in Florida can a politician run on a slogan advocating fellatio* (or cunnilingus*, depending on one’s perspective). After all, that’s why Florida is the batshit craziest state in America!

As Caragol put it, “I may have said something that may not have been of a very nice taste for the nuns and priests, but President Clinton did it.” So, blame the Clenis™!

---

* I can’t wait to see what kind of hits I get for including those words in this post.