Live from America’s Glans™, welcome to the 2008 Wanker of the Day Hall of Fame Inductions!
If you visit Atrios’ Eschaton on a regular basis, you probably have become familiar with his Wanker of the Day (WOTD) award, bestowed upon the person (or entity) whom he believes best demonstrates the qualities of a true wanker: someone who manages to say or do something so completely ridiculous in support of the Bush crime syndicate or the “war” in Iraq or whatever that only the word “wanker” truly fits.
Here at Blast Off!, we have honored the best of the best with inclusion in the Wanker of the Day Hall of Fame®. Previous inductees include:
Fred Hiatt (currently with 26 WOTDs)
Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds (23)
Joe Lieberman (22)
Joe Klein (19)
John McCain (11)
David Broder (11)
Since it has become clear that the true line of demarcation for wanking excellence worthy of Hall of Fame induction is the 10-award threshold, I, as the chairperson and CEO of the WOTD Hall of Fame (affectionately known as the “Wanker Chronicler”), have decided that anyone who attains a tenth WOTD award automatically becomes eligible for Hall of Fame induction. In addition, anyone whom Atrios designates “Wanker of the Day Emeritus” (as he did with David Broder on April 26, 2007, before Broder reached the 10-award level) is eligible as well.
Last weekend in Philadelphia at Eschacon08, I had the honor of announcing in person three new inductees into the Wanker of the Day Hall of Fame. Each has reached the 10-award threshold, and each in his own way has demonstrated extraordinary talent and desire for wanking over an extended period of time. Their continued high level of wanking, as they prop up the failing regime even as the wheels are coming off the Bush crime syndicate and the Republican Party, exemplifies their commitment to saying and doing anything to maintain the illusion that somehow, somewhere, their opinions might matter to someone.
Without further ado, then, here are the three new members of the Wanker of the Day Hall of Fame.
2005: January 13, November 17
2006: January 31, May 27, June 10, September 26, October 19
2007: February 19, March 22, September 4
Goldberg, or “Doughy Pantload” as he appropriately is known, earned his wanking stripes by whining about his mother’s involvement in the Monica Lewinsky scandal in the 1990s, and since then he has burnished his seedy reputation by pretty much whining nonstop about one thing or another. His 2008 book, Liberal Fascism, proved that if you sit an infinite number of cheese-eating surrender monkeys in front of an infinite number of computers, even they are incapable of producing something as astonishingly banal, simplistic, and misleading as Goldberg did with, presumably, just one computer.
2007: July 30, August 25, August 31, September 6, September 13, October 2
2008: January 7, March 11, March 14, March 24
O’Hanlon, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, has turned heads with his meteoric rise to the WOTD Hall of Fame. Completely off the wanker radar screen (or “wankdar”) as recently as July 2007, he racked up ten awards in less than nine months, securing his place as a wanker to be reckoned with. Although he has been described by some delusional whackjobs as “liberal,” O’Hanlon has devoted his career to beating the drums of war (yes, I said “beating”) in the face of overwhelming evidence that it is failing and that, in fact, O’Hanlon himself is an idiot. Still, he presses on, apparently hoping to reach the rarefied wanking air that only a few like Hiatt and Instawanker can breathe.
2005: August 27
2006: March 10, March 16, July 5, July 21, July 27
2007: January 14, May 30, June 28, October 10, October 13
Unlike fellow inductee O’Hanlon, Sullivan’s wanking career has been lengthy, with periodic spurts of activity; this almost becomes a lifetime wanking achievement award for Sully, as it took him over two years to achieve what O’Hanlon did in nine months. Curiously willing to support Republicans despite the fact that they oppose nearly everything Sullivan is — gay, British, and non-fetal — he claims to be “of no party or clique,” yet demonstrably is neither. His opposition to Drunky McStagger merely focuses his wanking on his two true loves, Huggy Bear and killing brown people.
[orchestra fade out]
So, congratulations to Goldberg, O’Hanlon, and Sullivan, who bring the membership of the Wanker of the Day Hall of Fame to nine. All nine are white men, which is interesting … but there are some women waiting in the wings. Kathryn Jean “K-Lo” Lopez and Katie Couric each have four awards while Norah O’Donnell and Maureen Dowd have three each, but they remain far behind the leading vagina-possessing wanker, Michelle Malkin, who has seven WOTD awards. Will Malkin be the first female inductee? Or will someone else, O’Hanlon-like, emerge from the background to take charge?
Stay tuned, and thanks for joining us. From America’s Glans™, I’m Sinfonian … goodnight, everyone!